I Never Even Try to Hate You... :'(

This one is for that particular person

One of the most important people in my life

You are very important to me..

Even I told you so many time that you are not.

Even I told you so many time that I don't care about you anymore

Even I told you so many time that I'll hate you forever

Every single hatred that I told you are only an unforgivable lie

You don't believe it? I'll prove it..

I love you so much

Because now I myself had cry because of you

This is not the first time I shed my tears for you, 

I want you to know this...

I miss you..I just miss you

It really had kill my ego

I miss your calls..

I miss your jokes...

I miss your smile...

I miss every single thing about you..

The reason why I wrote this is for you to read..

Although I know that you'll never read my blog..

You hate me, aren't you?

So there'll be no rational reasons for you to read this

But I am dying here

I write this is because I want you TO READ and for you to UNDERSTAND!

Because whatever stupid hatred I poured on you

Is only a lie!

And yes! I am a Big Fat LIAR..

I cannot put out my ego

Because I had it too much

Do you still remember our childhood vows?

You told me so many times that whatever it is

You'll always stand by my side...

You'll always be with me

You'll always take care of me..

I still remember that you had punch one boy- a former KAFA classmate of mine straight on his face

Just because he had bullied me

You always protect me 

Once you had said that;

You will hate people who hate me and

You will love people who love me

You know all my friends

I know that you really really care about me

And I want to thank you for that

Oh God...I really cannot blink away 

The tears of missing you

You are my beloved

And I will always love you...

Where are you now?

Why do you slipped away so easy?

Don't you remember me? 

Is it because of you hate me very much that make you vanish?

Do you still love me like when we're small?

Do you still care about me?

Please tell me that you do

Please....

You know what?

I want to congratulate you

For leaving me such an unforgettable memory

That's so sweet- it hurts me a lot

Yes..Sweet but painful

Because there's a twinge of guilt inside it.

I feel guilty, you know

Every time I look at our pictures together

When we were in kindergarten

When we were in primary school

A picture worth a thousand words...

I love you

I really do

All that I want now is for you to know

and to realize

that I love you always

Because every single memory of you and me

Is still playing vividly in my mind

Sometimes, before I sleep

I'll think of you

Of us...

I miss you and it's killing me

I never hate you..

I never even try to do so

Because I can't

I just can't....

You can call me anything that you want

Last time when we fight

You had curse me, 

and I had curse you too

And I don't remember how many time I told you that I hate you

Do you?

And I also don't remember how many drops of tears I had shed for telling you that

I felt regret because now,

All that I want you to know is

Those didn't come straight from my heart

I can't hate you..

Because you are one of the most important people in my life.....

I don't want to write anymore

Because my sight is quite blurry right now

Yes, I am crying 

Because I feel a very great twinge of pain inside my heart

And also the lump in my throat

Call me 'mengada-ngada'

Call me 'kuat nangis'

Call me 'bodoh'

Call me 'cendawan kememeh'

Because all those are quite true

I must admit

All of that is because of the pain

of loving and missing you..

I love you *********.... :'(